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PostPosted: Sun Oct 03, 2004 10:24 am 
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Dinosaur egg
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Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2004 7:10 am
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Location: Sacramento, California
Hi there! I'm a new member to the site, and I just finished reading Sk8er's story, "Trespasser: New Beginnings". I thought I would offer a little constructive criticism if you wouldnt mind.

The story gets off to a strong start. We all know the Trespasser story, so the expansion of Anne's character is like welcoming back an old friend, while at the same time giving the reader a deeper insight into what makes Anne tick. However, the author seems to rely more on the actual events of the Prologue than he does the characters. Seeing as how this is basically an introduction to the character, it would probably have been wiser to give us more of a backstory, instead of painfully detailing every movement our heroine makes. This is a recurring problem throughout the story. Sometimes it would make the story more fluid to skip some details which are unecessary. For example, when Anne is packing her bag, it isnt crucial that we recieve a description of every item that she packs. The author might just say, "Anne quickly scoured her room, packing anything that might be essential on an unplanned vacation."

Also, those of us who have traveled know that it takes more than a phone call to the airport to schedule an entire vactation. Perhaps if Anne had anxiously waited until the morning, and gotten in touch with her travel agent; then you could build up a sense of impatience, and perhaps even an internal argument that Anne stages with herself about whether or not she truly wants to go. The author builds on this concept vaguely, but we never truly see it come to fruition.

Another quirk that emerged early on in the story is the frequent tense changes. The author changes often from present tense to past tense and then back again, I.E.: "Anne walked to the fridge, grabbed a beer, and seated herself comfortably on the couch." That's past tense, a much more comfortable way of telling a fiction story. "Anne walks to the fridge, grabs a beer, and sits down on the sofa." That's present tense, and sometimes confuses the reader. I find that present tense is mostly useful in a short story, and one that is in first person perspective.

Other small problems litter the story, especially at the finale with Marquez's attempted solution to his problem, which I thought was ill concieved and totally out of the character we had gotten to know. It just seemed forced and not at all climactic.

The only major problem with the story was the IMMENSE use of detail in everything Anne did. At many times during the story, it felt as if the author might as well have written, "Anne puts one foot in front of the other foot, and then puts that foot in front of the other, making her way past one bush, and then another." While this amount of detail is appropriate in a screenplay, it slows down a novel, or in this case, a novella, making it very tedious and prompting the reader to want to skip vast amounts of text, searching for the important parts.

But fear not, this review is not all bad, lol. Sk8er's story is revitalizing, and gives the story new life. It prompted this reviewer to play the game once more, from start to finish, and look for resemblences to the story. I thought that the references to InGen's internal conflicts was brilliant, and the subtle hints to the first two books was very tasteful, where it could have been tacky. The Aviary scene however, seemed ripped straight from the reels of Jurassic Park III, and the final destination of Marquez, again, seemed ripped from the pages of "The Lost World"

Overall, I give this story 3 and 1/2 Stars out of five. With maybe another two drafts, it could probably be up to publishing calibur. Keep up the good work, Sk8er, and I can't wait to get started on "Trespasser 2."

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Last edited by Saret Kefa on Sun Oct 03, 2004 9:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 03, 2004 1:44 pm 
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-=TresCom Developer=-
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Joined: Sat Jun 12, 2004 6:52 pm
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Can I offer some constructive cristism, Saret Kefa? Could you try not to use that color again, as it clashes on my screen and is really hard to read (although I'm not sure how everyone else's is.)

Any-hoo; welcome to the Trespasser Community! :)

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 03, 2004 9:36 pm 
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Dinosaur egg
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Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2004 7:10 am
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Location: Sacramento, California
There, that should be better. Thanks for lettting me know.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 1:21 am 
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Brachiosaurus
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Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2006 11:03 pm
Posts: 159
Location: Hutchinson, KS
welcome to the forums Saret Kefa enjoy your stay with fellow tres fans and lovers 8)


( yes JP lovers to )

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 2:36 am 
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Dilophosaurus
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Nikali wrote:
welcome to the forums Saret Kefa enjoy your stay with fellow tres fans and lovers 8)


( yes JP lovers to )

this topic was posted Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2004
I think you missed that m8 :lol: 8)

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 12:13 pm 
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Brachiosaurus
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Joined: Sun Oct 01, 2006 11:03 pm
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Location: Hutchinson, KS
OHHH!


lol I just looked at the month :lol:



we need to have a red line some where for the threads older then a month lol




But thanks lol........I love making my self look pathedick :lol:

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